Cowed

I hate being in a situation where people that you don't like have leverage over you. This happened to me recently. Like, yesterday recently.

Trying to get something together to make it happen a little bit. Harder from the inside than the outside.

Leads would be nice in this case.

Sleep

Taking a nap is satisfying, until you try to sleep at 2:30am and it doesn't go well.

The highlight of my day was taking a picture of the train. If I had waited a few more minutes I'd have had a great shot of two trains passing head on.

What am I; a Trainspotter?

Monsters

Talking to my friend about the denial of parole for a convicted felon in California. The parole board recommends parole, but the governor denied it. Seventeen years in prison.

It got us talking about possible reasons that someone would not be released. My view is that some group has successfully lobbied to portray this person as a dangerous monster. How many real monsters are there in prison as opposed to human beings? What is the difference between a monster and a human? How do you tell? Who decides? I'm inclined to think that it is mostly people. Many of them deserve to be in prison, but how antiquated are our notions of justice that would allow us to value life based only on the behavior of the individual without a sense of our responsibility as a group to teach the correct behaviors?

I'm rambling.

Day

It is nice when the rain stops for a bit of sun. Today was also a bit chilly. I accompanied a friend to IKEA. Good times.
I didn't do too much at the barn today. The horses were pretty good. The cats were cute.

I might have some web design business here soon. Would be nice for a change. Maybe even some money.

At some point I might begin to think again. It seems like a long time since I've done that. I do miss it occasionally. Torn between inaction and the things that pull me in the world. Somewhere I'd like to find my balance again.

I'm sure it is there.

Frozen

Today was cold. About 33 degrees Farenheit when I got up at 7. It hasn't been much warmer since. A little rain. I've been frozen to this spot most of the day.

My resolution for tomorrow is to actually leave the house and get farther than the driveway.

Plus I can't get pictures from here.

Give me a life.

Remuneration

So much of my time is spent traveling to somewhere and then not getting much done. Today someone asked me when the last time I had a "real" job was, and I had to think back pretty far. I guess it depends on what you mean, but we could both agree on that. Drawing a paycheck from an organization that has a separate department just devoted to payroll.

Over four years. Since then I've probably earned an average well below $20k a year. Considering my rent, transportation and food expenses total more than $12k a year it doesn't leave much more for other expenses like utilities or debts.

Today I earned $50.00

My laundry list of financial woes. Mostly it was just interesting to talk it out and see how far from ideal the scene is.

I'm sure that things will get better. I can hope for at least different.

Maybe I should be careful what I wish for.

Leary

I was standing in my garage the other day before I left for work and I was flipping through a copy of King Lear that was there on top of a box of stuff. I was reading the ending and I was suddenly touched by strong emotion. Shakespeare often does that to me. I think a lot about my life when I read Shakespeare. A lot of the dreams that I had for myself when I was young are tied somehow to learning, and so I guess nothing more embodies my feelings about learning than Shakespeare. I always hated reading the stuff in high school, but remember when in a literature class at a junior college Shakespeare became something that I could understand rather than a tedious impenetrable mess of bad english. I really step outside myself when I read it.

My life is a much more mundane play than King Lear.

"Vex not his ghost: O, let him pass! he hates him much
That would upon the rack of this tough world
Stretch him out longer."

Another picture from the parade.

Jobs

I watched the Morgan Spurlock 30 Days tv program last night. He's the guy that did the McDonalds Super Size Me movie. He and his girlfriend took a month to try to get by working minimum wage jobs in Ohio. It was interesting, but it sucks to realize that you can't live on minimum wage.

I need a job. A real job that pays me more than $10 an hour. I can't really make all my bills for less than $15.

With all my great talents and work experience it shouldn't be that hard.

Dog Day

So I got to the parade pretty late. I need to get better at planning these things. Still I had a good time. My batteries were dying and I apparently lost one of my rechargeables, so most of my pictures were without flash, which is good and bad. I don't mind a lot of the effect that I get when light is low. Flash often bothers me by being too bright, but clearly a lot of the pictures would have benefited by it.

This dragon is one of my favorites. I'm happy I went. It would have been nice to have some company, but what are you going to do sometimes.

Here's to the dogs.

Fast Forest

On my way to my grandparents house last night I managed to take a few pictures. Some of them I really liked. This one came out surprisingly. Though dinner with my grandparents was good, the drive to dinner was a bit bumpy. My grandfather hit a curb while driving at about 40 mph. I think his days of driving at night are over. At least they should be.

I'm getting ready to go into the city for the parade. I hope to get hundreds of pictures. I'm excited by the idea of it. Let's see if I can park anywhere.

Lucre

Over one week late. Finally have my rent. Working every day and visiting the credit union to make deposits. This has been an exhausting week. I'm looking forward to the weekend. This is the parade weekend. The camera is going for a walk on Saturday.

I feel connected to something good. It makes me happy. I hope it sustans itself in my life.

Ever the optimist am I. Not all clouds have silver linings. I wonder why that expression came about?

Here is proof that silver shines far less bright than the wispy shrouds of Atum.

And after that the dark...

Today was strange. I feel hollow lately. I realized that I don't really have a job. I just do work for money. I am the obstacle. Maybe someday soon. Someday my dreams will all come true.

There are few things that are really pleasant to me that don't involve a considerable amount of wasted time on the computer. I sold something else on ebay. Inching toward the rent.

In the middle of waiting to do a favor for someone I managed to visit Indian Rock.
It was a beautiful evening.

Coyote

I used to think about the importance of objects that were present in my life. Placing signifcance on the presence of a person, or word, or color and so on. It speaks to how far I have slipped away from myself that I now only remember as if it was something someone once said. Me. Who was that? Why did that ever matter? It's like warming up for death and just not believing.

Why a coyote on a day like today?

I really need some sleep.

Indulgence

Sometimes I am just unwilling to forego those little sweets in the world. This does not bode well for my rent.

Here at least is a picture from the awful day.

I was pretty glad to have just made it to the door in time to see UPS leaving my $461 purchase on the front porch at 11am. Pretty good place to hide it I thought. Why need a signature?

Oh well.

Hope it works out.

Union

Last night I went to a video display that an instructor of mine put on in San Francisco. It was a projection of the State of the Union speech on a wall in the Castro. Using a wide angle lens he distorted the features of the image from a television screen. It was an amusing way to watch the speech. I'm not terribly friendly to much of what was said by the speaker. Often I don't see the truth of the claims of the administration and last night was no exception. I did see a commercial recruiting for Border Patrol agents last night after the speech. It was the first time I'd ever seen something like that and since it was on Comedy Central I thought it was a joke. It wasn't. The Border Patrol might be the Peace Corps of the 21st Century.

What is the state of my union with the world? Certain things feel very good and hopeful. Certain other things very tenuous and frightening. I always envision my life as something so delicate that if any one part tears the rest will fall to pieces. I'm not sure if that is right, but it is how I feel most of the time. It doesn't prevent me from enjoying life. It must have some impact though.